Stanton and His Forearms steal show & Crown at HR Derby

ESPN- His mom calls him Cruz. Teammates call him Bigfoot. Most baseball fans know him as Mike Stanton, precocious slugger for the Miami Marlins, but his first name is actually Giancarlo.

“The man of a million names,” Stanton said.

Cruz, Mike, Giancarlo, or Bigfoot. You may call him whatever the fuck you want to call him, just know this guy mashes baseballs like no one has ever done before. Stanton sent YABO’s into orbit last night. Chris Berman was running out of corny HR calls after “Bigfoot” blasted 61 Dingers. It took Roger Maris an entire season to crank 61. Giancarlo crushed Bobby Abreu’s total HR record in the Derby by TWENTY (!!!) count ’em 20 YABO’s.

I mean you can’t tell me this guy wasn’t chiseled to perfection by the baseball Gods. Those forearms are thicker than yesterday’s oatmeal. 50 sets of 50 forearm curls for Giancarlo BABY WOW! You cut this guy’s pecs open and find 2 porterhouse steaks. If Miami didn’t have Stanton they would literally be the most useless group of people ever assembled. He made himself worth every bit of that lucrative 13 year, $325 million dollar contract he signed due to the fact that he’s a human homerun machine. It was like swing after swing you just knew the ball was going to come close to crushing the scoreboard, or hit the 3rd deck of Petco Park tonight. He was a man amongst boys last night and it’s hard to argue that this guys is hands down the best slugger baseball has seen since the Steroid Era with Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa. The only difference is Stanton is he’s doing it juice free (As far as we know).

The only thing that would’ve made tonight better is seeing Stanton’s hitting coach Barry Bonds apart of the show. I bet you put a bat in his hands and he can still take a one way trip to souvenir city a dozen or so times. Props to Manfred (Said no one ever) for initiating this time limit instead of the ol’ 10 out rule. It makes the Derby much less painful to watch.

Baseball would be doing a disservice if the didn’t put Cespedes and Stanton in a Derby together. You want to talk about YABO Central? Those guys would kill people with baseballs. Not a single fan, nor NARP outfielder would be safe. For now. Stanton’s bomb-dropping performance will do until next year. Go shit in a hat Manfred.

Mind boggling. 27,187 feet of straight YABO.