Its About Damn Time: The Chicago Cubs Are World Series Champions

On the morning of November 3rd, 2016, at approximately 12:45AM, Kris Bryant (with a smile on his face) fielded a slow roller on the infield grass and threw it to 1B Anthony Rizzo who pocketed the ball in his glass case of emotions to seal the deal on the Cubs first World Series Championship in over a century (108 years).

It really is hard to even fathom how long its been since we’ve seen the Cubbies on top of the baseball world. In 1908, Mark Twain and Thomas Edison were still alive & kicking. The NBA, Mr. Potato Head, and Diet Soda didn’t even exist. To see a team and a fan base who has endured some of the most heart wrenching & gut churning moments in baseball finally come out on top, I think baseball fans across the nation except those shit dicks in St. Louis can agree it’s a happy sight to see. 

The Billy Goat curse has been broken. The beheading of Steve Bartman can finally be forgotten about. The book of curses that surround the Cubbies is finally closed. It’s been exactly 0 years since the Cubs have won a World Series Championship. Somehwhere up in heaven, Harry Caray is biting into a green apple with his big ol’ specs on smiling down at Wrigleyville. 

Rookie of the Year Henry Rowengartner is no longer the fictional prospect Cubs fans have been waiting for, although he could’ve shape shifted into Aroldis Chapman (hot take). 

It’s a great time to be alive if your a baseball fan, but an even better time if you’re a Cubs fan. This is it what makes the game of baseball so romantic. All the drama, the storylines everything. It is safe to say the 2016 World Series will go down as one of the most memorable games in history. Fuck you Rob Manfred.


Why Thursday Night Football Needs to Go

This past Thursday the New York Jets paid Bills Mafia of Buffalo a visit for what was the first Thursday Night Football game of the year, as well as the introduction to the “new and improved” 2016 Color Rush Uniforms

The Jets & Bills played a real barn burner back and forth affair, which ended in a 37-31 victory in favor of Fitzmagic’s Jets. The real story here is why does the NFL still think Thursday Night Football is a good idea. Once a week football fans have no choice but to melt into their couch with a bag of UTZ and a beer and watch a classic Jaguars V Titans game that no one cares about but has no choice but to watch. Why? Because it’s Football.

To make matters worse the NFL decided to make color blinded people feel even shittier about themselves last year by introducing color rush uniforms and God almighty were they ugly… 

It just made Thursday Night Football even more of an eyesore. The Jags look like they decided to take the pigment out of shit from a baby diaper and use it as their uniform.

As for 2016, the Color Rush uniforms improved (barely) but the games will still absolutely suck. Fuck you Goodell.

Here are the 2016 Color Rush Uniforms:

Sasha Vujacic Should Be Removed from America Permanently. 

Why Phil… Why must you bring back this slouch and put shame to the Knicks once again. You could’ve spent that money on two tons of dog shit because that’s what Sasha Vujacic is equivalent to. My hatred for him is neck and neck with that slapdick De Aza. 

Vujacic should be shipped back to his worthless homeland of Slovenia to do absolutely anything other than play basketball. This guy shouldn’t be allowed to step foot on hardwood floors again, let alone the prestigious court of Madison Square Garden. I know he will be making the league minimum, and I know we could use a guard, but give me a break for crying out loud this guy is on every Knicks fans shitlist. If there was one player in the entire league that brings nothing positive to the table it’s Sasha Vujacic. No matter which way you cut it, there just isn’t a single good thing about this bozo.

Vujacic posted an abysmal 4.9 PTS per game, to go along with a 1.4 assists per game last season. It’s not even like this guy is one of those likeable shitty players that everyone loves to see go in the game in the final 15 seconds and hit a pointless 3. He’s the exact opposite… I want this guy locked in a broom closet as far away from a basketball court as possible. He shouldn’t be allowed to own anything that pertains to the sport. Vujacic, do New York and more importantly America and leave.

Daryl Strawberry Admits to Getting Laid in Between Innings

Bleacher Report: Former MLB outfielder Darryl Strawberry stated Thursday he used to pick women out of the crowd and have sex with them in the clubhouse in between innings.

“Between innings. It worked out well, just how crazy it was,” Strawberry said. “It kind of worked out that way. You point [a woman] out and tell the kid [to go get her].”

Strawberry also discussed “drinking in the clubhouse and smoking cigarettes in the dugout,” according to Yahoo Sports.

As if Daryl wasn’t already a complete stud. You know you’re the man when you can plow out a fan in the clubhouse in between innings on the regular. I really wonder how this was even remotely possible. Just imagine Cespedes or Harvey whistling up to some broad in the stands between innings so they can sneak a quickie in the clubhouse. Wouldn’t be a total surprise if Doc & Daryl Eiffel Towered a bitch in the clubhouse before, during, or even after a game. I’m sure between them two Keith, and Lenny Dykstra, they could’ve turned Shea Stadium into a fucking Brothel.

In mean there was no way of denying it, Daryl was the dog of all dogs. Whether it was the insurmountable amount of drugs, arrests, and women or just his flat out actions, Straw was always the center of attention and it usually wasn’t good. Just imagine what this guy did the night the Mets won the World Series. You can bet your bottom dollar that he hit the slopes as hard as he’s ever hit them. I can just picture him shirtless, covered in champagne, railing lines off some prostitues ass.

Those ’86 Mets could’ve gotten away with murder and there isn’t a doubt in my mind they actually did a time or two. To be honest I really missed out on being able to watch the ’86 Mets do what they did. It’s about time ESPN decided to document this team (30 for 30: Doc & Daryl airs tonight at 9:00) considering all that surrounded them. What that group of guys did on and off the field will forever live in infamy, and today we give thanks to the men who made up the greatest team baseball has ever seen.

Stanton and His Forearms steal show & Crown at HR Derby

ESPN- His mom calls him Cruz. Teammates call him Bigfoot. Most baseball fans know him as Mike Stanton, precocious slugger for the Miami Marlins, but his first name is actually Giancarlo.

“The man of a million names,” Stanton said.

Cruz, Mike, Giancarlo, or Bigfoot. You may call him whatever the fuck you want to call him, just know this guy mashes baseballs like no one has ever done before. Stanton sent YABO’s into orbit last night. Chris Berman was running out of corny HR calls after “Bigfoot” blasted 61 Dingers. It took Roger Maris an entire season to crank 61. Giancarlo crushed Bobby Abreu’s total HR record in the Derby by TWENTY (!!!) count ’em 20 YABO’s.

I mean you can’t tell me this guy wasn’t chiseled to perfection by the baseball Gods. Those forearms are thicker than yesterday’s oatmeal. 50 sets of 50 forearm curls for Giancarlo BABY WOW! You cut this guy’s pecs open and find 2 porterhouse steaks. If Miami didn’t have Stanton they would literally be the most useless group of people ever assembled. He made himself worth every bit of that lucrative 13 year, $325 million dollar contract he signed due to the fact that he’s a human homerun machine. It was like swing after swing you just knew the ball was going to come close to crushing the scoreboard, or hit the 3rd deck of Petco Park tonight. He was a man amongst boys last night and it’s hard to argue that this guys is hands down the best slugger baseball has seen since the Steroid Era with Bonds, McGwire, and Sosa. The only difference is Stanton is he’s doing it juice free (As far as we know).

The only thing that would’ve made tonight better is seeing Stanton’s hitting coach Barry Bonds apart of the show. I bet you put a bat in his hands and he can still take a one way trip to souvenir city a dozen or so times. Props to Manfred (Said no one ever) for initiating this time limit instead of the ol’ 10 out rule. It makes the Derby much less painful to watch.

Baseball would be doing a disservice if the didn’t put Cespedes and Stanton in a Derby together. You want to talk about YABO Central? Those guys would kill people with baseballs. Not a single fan, nor NARP outfielder would be safe. For now. Stanton’s bomb-dropping performance will do until next year. Go shit in a hat Manfred.

Mind boggling. 27,187 feet of straight YABO.

Founding Father of Cooperstown Dreams Park Lou Presutti Dies at Age 75

The Dailystar- Louis A. Presutti, 75, a founder of Cooperstown Dreams Park, was remembered Friday for a legacy of providing opportunities for boys and girls to play baseball and for establishing a business that has contributed to the local economy.

A true travesty to the baseball community far and wide across our great country. Summer after summer, week after week teams from as far as Hawaii & Washington and as near as New York and New Jersey come to compete on the greatest stage in little league baseball. I unfortunately never had the great pleasure of meeting Mr. Presutti, but something tells me this guy lived & breathed the game of baseball, and thoroughly enjoyed giving kids the chance to play in what I like to call “Baseball Heaven.” 

I mean come on look at this guy.. He looks like your prototypical grandpa who just wants to break out the ol’ mit and toss around a ball in the backyard on a Sunday evening. He highlighted mine, and millions of others childhood’s since 1996 when Cooperstown Dreams Park opened its gates. Hands down the best part of the week was trading pins with other teams. For that entire week, pins were the hottest commodity on the barrack blocks and they went like hot cakes. 

(Plainedge Red Devils ’08 Top Right Pin)

Kids would literally drool over a pin that either blinked, shined, made noise, or was “limited edition.” For that one week pins were your life & you just happened to play baseball in between. They had absolutely zero value yet every kid across the complex was itching to get their hands on a pin they haven’t traded for. If you were one of the lucky son of a bitches that got their hands on one of the three Commander Pete pins, you were an instant legend.

This bafoon is Commader Pete. He would hand out 3 of his exclusive pins to 3 different kids and let everyone go haywire over them. If you weren’t on the diamond you were trying to get your hands on one of these bad boys:

Lou Presotti made dreams come true, and put smiles on young ball players and their families every God forsaken summer. Whether it was living in the barracks with your team for a week or getting to walk out onto a fresh diamond every morning, afternoon, and night, you made every moment last and every memory will forever hold a special place in every ball players heart. Thanks for the memories, Lou.

Wil Myers Deserves ASG MVP For Hosting Noah Syndergaard

With just 2 days till the Midsummer Classic, Noah Syndergaard has finally found a place to stay to keep his fatigued oil can rested up, and golden locks shampooed & conditioned:
The temporary “ballpark abode” chosen by Thor belongs to the one and only Wil Myers, Outfielder of the San Diego Padres. All I have to say is Wil Myers you are one lucky son of a bitch. You get the privilege of having a handsome stallion sleep under the same roof as you. I wouldn’t wash those sheets ever. What I don’t understand is that out of all the places Noah Syndergaard could’ve stayed, he decides to take the spacious and decorative guest room of… Wil Myers? Granted Syndergaard is only making a measly $535,375 dollars this season, but come on man find a Courtyard Marriot suite or maybe a Hilton. 

No Wil Myers… This is your dream come true. I would love nothing more than to enjoy roasting mallows over the fire pit, BBQing baby back ribs, and detoxing in the sauna with Noah Syndergaard. I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out Myers is homosexual after the all-star break on account of Thor. I mean who can blame him, right?

For just $63 dollars a night Noah Syndergaard gets to make Wil Myers not only the luckiest, but the happiest human being in California. Me not liking this is strictly a jealousy factor more than anything. If I were Wil Myers I would be creeping into Noah’s room in the middle of the night just to run my hands through his beautiful golden mane. Something tells me Thor is a Pantene guy but I could be dead wrong. I wouldn’t doubt him using TRESemm√® products either. All I know is that guy conditions like a motherfucker. Wil Myers if you’re reading, God chose you… take care of Thor, ice his shoulder, comb his hair, and don’t get any ideas.